Suffering and Trials:Survivors' Guide

Lesson Four: The Test

2011-02-06T08:59:00.000-08:00

The Test:

I had to leave many family members, friends, clergy, and others behind. The Report of the APA Presidential Task Force on Violence and the Family. (Washington, DC. American Psychological Association. (1996)) states that many of the people one would expect to help the victim leave abuse, actually hinder the exit. That includes family, friends, agencies, the clergy, and more. I was faced with the dilemma of who to trust and who to be wary around. It was a daunting task.

Eventually I developed a test. It is quite simple:

In my experiences many individuals let me down and hurt me. I have learned that the most important indication of their character and feelings towards others is shown in their humility, accountability, and willingness to make restitution and amends. Unless a person accepts the outcome of their actions, they will always act in selfish, anti-social, other destructive ways. These kinds of people are dangerous.

Therefore, no matter what the crisis or trial is that you are suffering from, carefully test the individuals "helping" you. Many of them may actually make your situation worse. Test the spirits carefully and often.

Lesson 3: Estimate Realistically

2011-01-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

Lesson Three has a very simple truth, be careful not to underestimate your adversaries and overestimate your advocates.

This is one of the saddest and hardest lessons I had to learn. It is a very important key to surviving adversity if your adversity involves a conflict with someone else. When you trust your advocates will help you, you often let down your guard. You don't fight as hard. You don't think of all of the holes in your defences. You don't anticipate the troubles that may come your way and block them. Lesson Two discussed how advocates often are well-intentioned, but they don't come through. Remember that, when you have your defences lined up. Anticipate that you will need to have more defenses and plans in place because some, if not all of them, will fail you.

On the other hand, it is way to easy to underestimate the level of effort that your adversaries will go through. They are most often motivated by the lust for power, money, honor, and revenge. If they they feel threatened that they will lose any of these things, they will fight very hard. These types of people have no real scruples or character, so they are willing to do anything and everything. Let me say that again "Everything and Anything". That means that it will be hard for a rational person with good character to anticipate or understand the levels of attack that these individuals will engage.

You will learn quickly that adversaries are "camp builders". They will rally others to their cause using all forms of lies and manipulation. Many of their helpers are paid mercenaries. People often will do anything for money. Many lawyers will be more than glad to destroy your life for a price. Clergymen who get a good tithe will stay with the money. Agencies will believe lies and fail to investigate first. Family members will add their own agenda and are very unreliable.

For example my sister wrote a letter to the judge and told him damaging lies because she had been filled with her own shame for years. She had been a run-a-way who had many lovers at once, did drugs, dropped out of school, and did all manner of self destructive and rebellious things. She turned to an ultra-religious cult to make herself look better, but deep inside, I was always the good child: The child who got straight A's, the child who obeyed, the child who helped the family, the child who got scholarships through college. She hated me for that, and when the chance came for her to elevate her status and make me the black sheep, she lunged at it like a ravenous hyena.

Once you are down, or are perceived as weak in any way, the people who harbor hard feeling towards you find a ripe field for revenge, advancement, and their own self gratification. One must be prepared for this and have all of their defenses up as quickly as possible.

I suffered too much because I tried to be reasonable and peaceful. I trusted my volunteer help and didn't think I needed much. I spent my money on feeding, housing, and clothing my children. I should have spent it on a high priced attorney right from the start. It would have stopped a lot of the mayhem.

I was able to spare a friend with this newly acquired wisdom. We met in an abuse shelter and her situation was pretty well going the way mine was. Her husband had an attorney, family, and clergy, who were battering her. She was overwhelmed and was struggling to care for her two children who were traumatized by the salvos. I spoke clearly, plainly, and with as much conviction as I could. I said, "Missy, do whatever you have too. Beg, borrow, sell, plead, anything and everything. Get a good attorney and get one NOW. You have already waited too long. Don't listen to others who tell you to wait. MOVE."

She listened to my advice and was able to get the money from several places. It tapped everyone out. However, the lawyer quickly put an end to all the craziness that was mounting her way. Her husband's attorney was stacking petitions and orders against her without opposition, so he was going all out for full destruction. Once the playing field was leveled, the nonsense stopped.

I could give examples where women use attorney's and agencies to try and destroy men too. This is not about gender. This is about selfish people who will use whatever means they can to take everything from you that they are able to take. They don't care if they destroy you. As a matter of fact, they rather prefer to.

This truth is not just for court or agencies. It could be in a work situation where someone wants to undermine you so they get your job or get moved up. It could be in many situations where you are locked in a battle with someone.

The simple truth is this: Show maximum force at the beginning of the war, and the battle will end swiftly. Be careful not to overestimate your help and underestimate your adversaries. End the war before it carries on for years. Rally your forces quickly and show them to your adversaries so they loose their nerve to fight.

(Copyright 2011, Silver Trumpets Institute, Inc.)

Lesson 2: Your Actions are Speaking

2011-01-09T08:19:00.000-08:00

One of the most valuable lessons I learned in my journeys through adversity was the saying "Your actions are speaking so loudly, I can't hear a word that you say."

Let's start with an example. Years ago, during my horrible life of spousal abuse, and when my daughter was being molested by her father, I attended a congregation. The pastor was very famous and he said the most wonderful things. I thought to myself "Pastor H is the man with the golden words". He promised the congregation that we were loved, free, entitled to prosperity, and that he cared about us; that all the leadership cared about us. I so needed to hear those words in those days. I so needed to believe that there was life after abuse and that I had value.

A few women asked me to help lead a small Bible Study and to teach them about some of the things I had learned. I passed a copy of the study to the pastor through his secretary and asked him to let me know if he had a problem with me doing this. I knew he was busy, so I tried not to demand too much of his time. I asked him to tell me if there was an issue, otherwise I would do it. I got no reply, so I went ahead with the group. I taught about forgiveness and more. Many of the women said that I had a lot of knowledge. Then one said that I knew more than the pastor's wife. Then someone said that no one could know more than the pastor's wife, therefore I must be a Jezebel. Suddenly, I went from praise to being branded a Jezebel!

Now, I am sure it seems absurd that this would happen, but let me finish this part of the story. A couple of the women in the group rallied behind the pastor's wife to find favor from her. They all started to call me a "Jezebel" and to poison the congregation against me. I stopped teaching and kept my mouth shut. The glares were unbelievable, and it ended with the pastor's wife bearing down on me after a service with one of her friends. She towered over me and my young children. We could not speak for fear. Honestly, my throat was so dry, it closed off. The anger was palpable and her nostrils were flaring.

This is the gist of what she told me. No one cared about the abuse of my daughter and my self. No one cared what we were going through. She said I was "out of submission" for leaving an adulterous, abusing, child-molesting husband, and I needed to return to him.

This was not enough for her. Eventually the congregation interfered enough that great and terrible things happened to us. They helped my ex husband through their efforts and threw us into a series of horrible and long-lasting events. Their revenge and hatred was terrible.

I wrote to the pastor and asked for help. I did get a reply this time. Actually two. They were the same but sent to different addresses. The reply was from his lawyer. His lawyer told me in a certified letter that the man was no one's pastor, but was just an evangelist. Hmmm, he had a church. Anyway, the basic tone of those hateful letters was to go somewhere else to find someone who did care.

In the end, the "man with the golden words" was the "man with the family and army of bullies". He still makes tons of money and builds his kingdom with his golden words. While he prospers, my children and myself have very long-term damage from his part of the tribulation. My daughter has post traumatic stress disorder, as a matter of fact.

This is just one example, of people saying one thing and doing another. Abusers are classic at promises and charitable sayings. They are also classic at not following through and doing great harm instead. Remember, this was a secondary abuser. They kicked me when I was already down and handed me over to my adversaries. I have learned to be much wiser now. I don't believe people with "golden words". I want to see them put their words into practice.

Not all people who make promises are abusive. Some are just weakly intentioned. They want to say things to "help", but genuine helping requires too much effort, money, sacrifice, or resources. Remember the saying "The road to hell is paved with good intentions". In this case, remember that most people will not help when they promise. When hard times hit, most people begin to vanish. In trials you will get lots of words of comfort, but very little real comfort.

The bottom line: Give 10% of your trust to words, while letting them validate their true intentions through deeds.

(Copyright 2011, Silver Trumpets Institute, Inc.)

Lesson 1: Learn to Survive from Others

2011-01-02T10:53:00.000-08:00

I have a habit of reading biographies and autobiographies. These books really helped me survive adversity and trials. One of my best examples is Darlene Deibler Rose.

Darlene Deibler Rose, author of “Evidence Not Seen – A Woman’s Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II” was one of my mentors and role models.

I had read her book before some of my greatest trials. The book was an autobiographical story of her missionary life as a survivor of Japanese internment, torture, sickness, great family loss, and slavery during World War II. Hers was a hard book to read, because it was filled with so much suffering and disappointment. I did not know that her lessons would be my guideposts in the dark days that would soon envelop me, like a hurricane covers over a city.

Darlene taught me several key lessons that helped me survive. The first lesson, and most important, was to strive to keep bitterness from one’s heart. So vividly she described how a fellow missionary took bitterness, anger, and hatred into her heart during their internment. Ms. S. had a much easier time in the concentration camp, while Darlene’s life was much more difficult. Nevertheless, Ms. S. gave into her dark feelings, while Darlene fought to forgive, stay at peace, and love. After years of ordeals the day came when they were both set free by the allies. However, Ms. S. was never truly free. She had lost her mind during her internment. Bitterness, anger, and hatred can put one into a deeper darker dungeon than man can ever devise. I remembered this poignant story over and over and strove to imitate Darlene.

I also learned the power of hope. While Ms. S. had lost her hope, keeping hoping hope alive was a common battle. Darlene was honest about how she kept herself going and battled not to give up. She learned to believe beyond her situation, and she turned her feelings towards her captors to seek to help them see a better way. This fortified my own life lessons of looking at the needs of those around me and strengthening them in the darkness. This gave me a sense of purpose and a way to justify that some good could come amidst my trials.

Later I was to teach a small group on the power of hope. Some had asked me to consider writing and sharing on how to survive suffering. I was to come to realize that the antithesis of hope is hopelessness. When hopelessness reigns, all kinds of turmoil enter in: depression, sickness, apathy, and downward spiral towards a quest for death. In the end, honest hope is like a lifeline. It is a lifeline of which I could not afford to let slip away.

The book also taught me to leave room for the miraculous. Darlene had yearned for healthy food when she was locked in her cell. She had intestinal problems of a grave magnitude. One day while looking out her window, she sighted a man sneaking a banana through the fence to one of her fellow prisoners. She thought to herself that God would never provide her something as simple as a banana. She lamented in her soul for the fruit that would never come that way. Sometime later, and quite unexpectedly, her prison door was to clank open and someone threw in not one banana, but an entire bunch of nearly 100! She was ashamed that she did not have faith for the one, and instead she had a multitude to eat and help cure her ailment. In my sorrows, I remembered her story, and I learned to hope and believe that small miracles could and would come.

I remember one man asked me to put my feelings to song and find one positive thing in my hardships. I used to write simple songs, but sadness kept me far from it during the hardest years. I pondered his request, and then finally it came to me, heaven gives light in the darkness. If I could say one thing about enduring hardship, it was that Darlene had taught me to look for the little lights of hope and goodness that shine through the darkness. I filled a page with all the ways that heaven gives light in the darkness and related the heavenly lights to the kind souls who had helped me along my own journey.

This led to a deeper insight. I truly needed to learn to be thankful for all things, both great and small that came my way during distress. Darlene’s banana story taught me that. The song made me bring it to the forefront. I learned this simple truth about happiness: To find happiness in life, one must find joy in the little things and only be offended over the big things. Too often we rejoice over the big things alone and find offense in the everyday little things. Any easily offended spirit spells misery.

I can now voice more systematically how I survived. I can look deeper into the lessons of Darlene Deibler Rose and offer her my gratitude. I learned the value of keeping bitterness, anger, and hatred out of my heart. I learned to leave room for the miraculous and to hold onto the lifeline of hope. She taught me to find joy in the little things and let go of all the small offenses. The book “Evidence Not Seen a Woman’s Miraculous Faith in the Jungles of World War II” was indeed one of the brightest lights that heaven gave me in the darkness.

“Lightning bolt and moonbeam;

Falling star and rainbow;

Don’t you know?

Heaven gives light in the darkness.” (copyrighted: Alina Patterson)